31 December 2021
Vimbayi Mahachi
The “Till death do us part” vow has become nothing but just a phrase without a meaning.
Couples stand in front of either a priest or a Magistrate and vow to stick to each other come rain, come thunder.
It is unfortunate that several reasons then just pop up that lead to the couple to decide otherwise.
In many instances, marriages that have fell by the wayside are nowadays unions.
The marrying couple are oblivious of the difference between the marriage and the ceremony.
Usually the ceremony is filled pomp and funfare, a lot of money is spent to buy the Bride’s dress, wedding rings, decor, cake, food and alcoholic beverages for the ceremony.
Before then, if the marriage is culturally African, the groom would have parted with several cows and money inform of the court bride price.
Thereafter, the marriage realities set in, then all hell breaks loose.
Differences such as language, friends, faith and or beliefs, family, traits, liquor taking, dressing, respect, culture, and many other come into the realities of marriage when the newly wed least expect.
Cohesion is then lost and the union crumbles.
Statistics obtained by Zim GBC News say total of 1 351 couples filed for divorce at the High Court in 2021. This has been an increase of 234 cases compared to the 1 117 recorded in 2020.
Apparently infidelity has has been cited as the major cause of family break-ups around the country.
As some couples were culturally married thus, the number of those who have denounced their marriage vows could be more. Many customary marriages are not formally registered.
A check with the divorce court files show that infidelity claims and conflicts linked to finances were dominating.
In most cases, the parties decide not to disclose the actual reasons for their parting, preferring to hide behind the common phrase used in divorce proceedings “the union is irretrievably broken”.
Collected data reveals that this year alone, 1 351 divorce files have so far been opened at the country’s five High Court stations in Harare, Mutare, Bulawayo and Masvingo.
In the previous year, according to the official statistics, the courts handled 1 117 divorce cases. In that year, the Harare High Court which had the highest number of divorce cases, opened 724 divorce files, followed by Bulawayo which handled 263.
Masvingo opened 75 divorce files while Mutare recorded 55 cases.
Marriage officers and counsellors who spoke to The Herald said infidelity had ruined most marriages in Zimbabwe.
Bishop Davison Kanokanga, a lawyer and head of The Marriage Centre, said infidelity and social media have been in the forefront in the destruction of marriages.
“Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. Cellphones and the internet have made the commission of adultery easy.
“Cellphones have become huge sources of marital conflicts. Most married people spend more time on social media than they do with their spouses. Social media has destroyed communication in many marriages with most spouses chatting to people outside their home.
“Not much effective communication is taking place between couples,” he said.
Bishop Kanokanga said the migration of couples to the Diaspora also contributed to the collapse of marriages.
“Some spouses fail to get visas for them to be able to join their spouses in the diaspora. Such forced separations have led to divorce.
“Some Zimbabweans in the diaspora are divorcing due to challenges associated with life in the diaspora, for example, lack of quality time together, busy work schedules, trying to stick to the Zimbabwean traditional spousal roles in the diaspora among others,” he said.
A family law expert, who spoke on condition of anonymity said most people are now getting married for all the wrong reasons.
While infidelity has been pinpointed as the root cause, other reasons that are said to contribute to breakdown of marriages include interference by inlaws, religion, women rights, women advocates, marrying for financial gain, marrying to appease friends and family, marrying as a fashion, some are forced by church elders and pastors after flirtious affair and some marry because they fall prey to pressures of society.
“We have those so-called mummy’s babies, who marry, but remain so much attached to their parents. Be they women or men, their dependence on parents affect their marriages and in some cases, couples break up because of in-laws’ interference,” said the expert.
Some are being forced in churches to get married. Pastors are playing go-between and help in match-making for congregants, a practice popularly known as “kumasofa”.
The expert added that since the woman of today is self emancipated and will be desperate to settle they thus “loan” their fiancés money for lobola as well as fund the white wedding ceremony, a development that results in some men taking advantage of that kind of desperation.
“Once in marriage, one then realises that they are incompatible then you start dating someone else leading to a marriage collapse,” the expert continued.
Financial woes contribute as well to divorce.
“Finance issue is in two ways. Too much money is causing divorce. We have couples with lots of money and assets all over the world. They end up so attached to riches and forget each other. If the money is too little, marital problems also start.”
She added: “We are also experiencing a new phenomena of older women, over 55 years filing for divorce. They are saying we endured years of abuse and we cannot take it anymore.
“Since they no longer have children to look after, they find no reason to continue in an abusive marriage.”
Poverty was cited by a Harare lawyer as another contributor to collapse of the bedroom Union. Many women who fail to stick to their poor husband because of peer pressure from friends and relatives. Then cheating creeps and when they find a man with money or rich they dump their husband. He also cited women who are into the modern life styles.
There is the clubbing, ‘going out’, heavy drinking and smoking coupled with expensive clothing of fashion labels. Because a husband would not stand such behaviour from a wife, they try to contain the woman, who, for the sake of joy chooses to dump the marriage.
Then there is ‘long distant relationships’. These emanate from one spouse being in the country and another in the diaspora. The long distance relationship have dismally failed as many who settle in the diaspora are quick to find a ‘temporary’ partner in that country. Unfortunately the relationship become cosy and the wife left at home is dumped.
A women lawyer concurred that there has been too much cheating by married women of late. This drive is either pushed by the nowadays lifestyles or “exploring” other fields as the cheating woman call it.
A marriage counsellor concluded by stating that nowadays couples seem less eager to work through their problems, opting instead, to terminate their marriage than to work through their issues. The woman of today is not as patient like the one of yesteryear. The women of the olden days withstood a lot of pressures that assured that the marriage knot was continued tied.
The woman of today will simply let go.
And when the chickens come to roost, the marriage ceremony was not marriage after all but just a party.