Prominance Sinomusa Khumalo
In today’s fast-paced world, the quest for love and companionship can lead individuals to make hasty decisions, often leading to devastating consequences. The trend of marrying someone without truly knowing them is becoming increasingly common, leaving many wondering:
What’s The Hurry?
In the past, the culture of dating was interesting as it guaranteed a successful courtship which led to a long lasting relationship. Today’s relationships are failing to endure the test of time because many a times a partner enters into a relationship with ulterior motives.
For some its pressure from family, for some men its wealth that is pushing them to find a partner, for some women its age, as their primetime lapses, for some women its nature and for some its for show off or all her friends would be married.
This yesteryear tradition encouraged transparency and open communication before marriage. It would take a girl of yesterday several months before agreeing to a suitor. This was ingrined in girls as they reached puberty.
This reporter approached an elderly granny from Makokoba who explained that a girl would take time, like months, to get into a relationship with a boy.
“Ijaha lalingakhonjwa mahlayana. Wawumsondeza eduze, utshengise ukuba lawe uyafuna, kudwa ungakavumi, ungakamkhombi.” Gogo Anna Siziba from Makokoba explained.
This was meant to unravel the guy’s intentions. If he was interested in a relationship he was going to endure this time of ‘familiarization’.
Having endured over two months trying to entice the girl, she then would take her boyfriend to her aunt for grilling and investigations to further learn of the boy’s intentions in the girl. Later the Vice-versa would happened. The girl was taken to the boy’s aunt as well. This is where both parties would share their likes and dislikes, and the uncle or aunt would offer guidance to help them make the right decision.
“True to that umntwana wayethi nxa engakhomba kumbe angakhonjwa kwakuqala ukwaziwa ngubabakazi kumbe umalume. Yikho ke lapho obabakazi kumbe umalume ababehlolisisa umuntu ayabe emphathele ngumntanakhe. Ekumhloleni wayehlolwa ukuba yena uhloseni, ungumuntu onjani, uvela emulini enjani, uthandani, uzondani, uluqakathekisa kangakanani lolu thando athi ulalo emntwaneni wakhe,” elaborated Gogo Anna Siziba.
Yesteryear, when a girl found herself in a relationship, she would take her boyfriend to her aunt. The aunt acted as a counselor. She would grill the young man about his intentions, the aunt would investigate the young man’s family background, the young man’s family, his character, if he was employed, if he was ready to settle into a lifelong relationship, if he was ready to be a husband, to shoulder a man’s responsibilities.
This has changed in recent years, especially nowadays. It takes a girl being bought lunch of fries (chips) to give a boy her number after that they are in a relationship. The relationship quickly cascades to a sexual one before the two have really known each other. Thereafter it is the girl’s friends who become part and parcel of the relationship for a longest time.
This phenomenon has caused a lot if heartaches to young women because they begin a sexual relationship when they are still school going. At this time a girl would be as young as 15 or 16 years. By the time they reach 20 the girl would have endured about three to five broken hearts.
When school going girls ‘fall in love’ they can not take their boyfriend to the aunt as per tradition. The relationship is guaranteed to be stopped as the girl will be told that she is young and must concentrate on her studies.
Experts warn that entering into a lifelong commitment without a deep understanding of your partner’s character, likes, and dislikes can lead to a tumultuous and potentially disastrous marriage.
“I thought I knew him, but it turned out I didn’t know him at all,” said Sarah Mandizha, who divorced her husband after just a year of marriage.
“We rushed into things, and I ignored the red flags. Now, I’m left to pick up the pieces on my own.”
Sarah explained that the moment she engaged into a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, he ‘changed’. He was no longer interested in going with her for weekend outings.
“Gaya esangikhombisa, he would take me ukuyawosa (out for braai), sasihamba sonke kuma shows (live shows) at times we would go clubbing.”
“Ngenela ukuzithwala and things changed. He changed. There was no more outings, no more clubbing. I would be left alone endlini. Lami I began going out with my friends to braai, to live shows at times to clubs.”
These were the red flags I was encountering but ignored.
Sarah continued to say, her boyfriend would not mind since he too had his own weekend programs. She then insisted on marriage.
“I didn’t want my child to be born out of wedlock. You see, I am a Christian though I seldom go to church. He was reluctant at first, but I insisted. The first surprise, real surprise was when he suggested I terminate the pregnancy.
“I was three months going to four when he suggested ngikhiphe isisu. This was after I insisted that I would not bring my child into this world out of wedlock.
” I was so heartbroken. I got so stressed. Ngaphosa ngafa. Inyawo zavuvuka zaba ngaka, udoctor wathi am stressing too much and am having uncontrolled blood pressure.”
She went on to say that, he then became sweet again, just like in the beginning of their relationship. It is during this time that she met the closer nit of his family. All along she knew mostly his friends and a sister.
They got married and after she had her baby boy, he dumped her in their new home and continued to live a single-lifestyle. Going out every weekend, coming home late everyday at times with signs of having been with other women.
“The straw that broke the carmel’s back came ezethi I trapped him into this marriage. He said why did I fall pregnant when as a woman I should have known how to prevent it. He said that’s why he had proposed to terminate the pregnancy in the first place.
“I packed my bags and left him.”
Research suggests that couples who marry without thorough knowledge of each other are more likely to experience communication breakdowns, Conflict and arguments, Infidelity, Emotional distress which then leads to divorce.
“When we were still in courtship he didn’t mind that I was wearing shorts and other revealing clothing, but now its a different story. If only he told me the kind of dressing he liked before we got into this I was going to prepare myself or just leave”, said Andile soon to be Mrs Mlotshwa.
He has made me an old lady. I am just 25 and I love fashion, I am failing to belong with my friends as he is so strict on dressing. The nowadays goove-out is totally out. Tight fitting is no go area. Am allowed to wear loose fitting slacks or jeans. He is particular with make-up. He also has made me reduce the number of friends I have. He has reduced the number of outings I go, and he is particular about which ones I attend.”
Soon to be Mrs. Mlotshwa says she is not allowed to attend slumber parties, night-dress parties, wayward kitchen teas. She has been warned of going to clubs and was told that she will attend live shows when he goes with her.
“Because I was this marriage, I have had to adhere to his demands.”
So, why do people continue to take such risks? Some blame societal pressure, while others cite fear of being alone. Whatever the reason, it’s essential to prioritize getting to know your partner before making a lifelong commitment.
Take the time to engage in meaningful conversations, share experiences and interests, observe behaviors and habits, meet each other’s friends and family
discuss goals, values, and expectations.
“Kunje nje my sister owami umfazi abangane bakhe angibazi kodwa uphuma every weekend ethi uyakubo. Mangithi akangitshengise ungipha impendulo ethi ngifuna ukukhombisa abangane bakhe yikho ngihlala ngifuna ukubabona kodwa ayisiso sizatho leso. Mina ngifuna ukuba bazi. Abangangiko ngazi Umama lo baba laye ngoba nguye yedwa umntwana oMalume wathi akalabo, uAunt engimaziyo uyedwa mangithi sihambe siyevakatsha uyala”, said Bhekizizwe Moyo 42 year old man who has been in marriages to Natasha Moyo for 5 years.
I have been married to my wife five years now. Every weekend she says she is going out with her friends and when I want to meet these friends, she doesn’t want as she claims I want to have relationships them. I just want to know the kind of friends my wife has. Even with her family, I only know her parents as she is an only child. The other relative is her aunt of which she doesn’t want us to visit her.
Remember, a successful marriage is built on a foundation of mutual understanding, trust, and respect.
Couples should not rush to the altar, take the time to truly know your partner. Understand that marriage should be a lifetime commitment that comes with more downs than ups.
Zim GBC News©2024