Clive Thabo Dube
DEADBEAT father, is a term given to men who run out in fear of taking up responsibility of their actions, leaving a woman to fend for an innocent ‘fatherless’ child.
The world has became full of single mothers fending for ‘fatherless’ children as the ‘fatherless pandemic’ emerges as a global crisis with such children having to grow up without a man to look up to in a home.
Later these children will have to raise themselves as the mountain become increasingly steep for the mother.
These children become vulnerable to physical and emotional abuse from several quarters who take advantage of the absence of the father in their lives.
They will grow up with low self- esteem and feelings of abandonment, which may lead them to be associated with bad social behaviors. These are some of the tremendous long lasting damage to the child.
Impact for Boys, a mentorship programme running under ‘The Organisation Family Impact’ founded by Leopold Enson who is a certified marriage coach is embarking on an initiative to empower the boy child and hold fathers accountable for their actions.
Men should not impregnate a woman and then skip the fence.
The initiative acknowledges that the absence of a father has a major negative impact on the male child and hinders development.
“The initiative identified the absentee father pandemic as a serious gap in mainstream programming and in particular the effects of absent fathers on the boy child. Not to mean girls are not affected but we decided to start with the boy child then extend it to the girl child. In the end escalate it to address national brokenness caused by the father wound.” Said Leopold Enson.
Established last year March, in Mufakose (Harare) the organization has managed to have both the children and parents become participants in the program. With the objective to empower and total transform the boy child, Impact for Boys tackles the father wound by encouraging mothers to be active in their children’s lives.
Enson who is also the organization’s executive director said the issue of fatherlessness has catastrophic consequences to the well being of the family and the absenteeism of the father further enhances mental breakdowns. This is due to the fact that the absence of the father does not only apply to physicality. The father can be present physically but not provide the required mental, physical and emotional necessities.
The male child will then become forced to grow up without an identity and a clear altitude heading the right direction.
“If you look at family life today, fathers are non existent and where a father is available, he could just be physically present but emotionally absent and unavailable. The effects of which are adverse. Boys then grow up without an identity, a sense of belonging and the question ‘who am l?’ can never be answered by a mother. But it is the role of the father to communicate identity, life direction and to validate his children.” He said.
The issue is however a phenomenal one dating back to ancient times during the world war era up to the industrialization period. At times, a father is forced to migrate in search of greener pastures and ends of up moving on with their lives, forgetting the family they left behind.
Leopold Enson further added that historically and statistically, the “hit and run” is the most prevailing reason of ‘fatherlessness’. In some instances matters of divorce, incarceration and interference of family members contributes to the well-being of the child or lack thereof.
“The Father migrates and starts a new family elsewhere, society is awash with this dynamic where people migrate to South Africa, UK or even local migration. Thereby fathers deserting their families.
“Divorce and separations are also on the rise. Sour marital relationships have also contributed in fathers just abandoning their children because of poor relationships with their ex-partners. In some cases the extended family also has played a part where the father or mother of the pregnant girl vowed never to see the boy/man who impregnated their daughter and so he remains stray.”
Looking at the young men growing up without fathers, the father who is supposed to be role model is essential to mold the boy onto the right track.
He said the key to curbing the issue of fatherlessness in the country, the whole family has to function in unity and hold each other accountable. The provision of encouragement and unity will go a long way into covering up the gap of fatherlessness.
“Every person in the family from grand parents, aunties and uncles, brothers and sisters, if they notice trends of absenteeism from one of their relatives, they should encourage them to go and look out for their children and introduce them to the family mainstream. Those that left a marriage for another, let the children born out of wedlock be embraced and accepted and not stigmatized as if they were responsible for their own arrival on earth. I believe ACCOUNTABILITY in families will go a long way in curbing this advent pandemic.” Said the marriage officiant.
One father who spoke to this publication on the basis of anonymity in fear of victimisation from family members, said the relatives of the mother of his child are the one’s to blame for his son to grow-up without without a father. He pointed an accusing figure at his mother in-law for brainwashing his son and the mother of his child into disowning him due to lack of financial instability.
“Since l had no financial wealth nor cattle, l was forced out of my son’s life by the mother’s relatives. But what l ask myself is what did they do with the umbilicus/navel (Inkaba). I want to go there and give them a final word, tell them they will be consequences for their actions. When push comes to shuff, where and who will he (the son) go to.” He said.
He added that apart from the negative family indoctrination, his son is also being influenced by the mentality of illegal miners into not accepting him as his biological father.
“He became an illegal miner at a tender age and now he is just 23, he still does not want to acknowledge me as his father. Being an illegal miner has affected his thinking capacity. But isikorokodza siyaphela phela. Sizafika isikhathi sokuthi siyaphela, omunye lomunye emnzini wakhe. Yena uzaqonda ngah.”
Being an illegal miner will come to an end at one point and the time for one to go, and settle in their household will eventually come. Where will he go to?.
When it comes to the matters of fatherhood, everyone has a father, but not all stay in the lives of their children. This has led to high rate of delinquent behavior amongst teenagers and when they become parents themselves, the historical background has a way of influencing their parenting skills.
A mother who has raised her son on her own for 21 years said the father left the country to look for work at the United Kingdom (UK) when their son was two years old. Upon arrival in the UK, the father became distant and now the boy who is in his mid twenties has turned to alcohol for comfort.
“l run short of words every time I want to share my story, and I guess the issue of the father’s absentism is affecting me more, it just feels painful to talk about it.”
“Briefly my story is like this. I got married in 1999 and had a son the following year. Life was a bit tough but we were getting by and my husband decided to go to the United Kingdom. When he went my son was 2 years old and it never occurred to me that my son will grow without a father. Not that he is dead but he is an absent father.
“There are special moments like first time at pre-chool, first time at high school, birthdays, father’s day, Christmas etc, l thought we would share but dololo.
“Its 21 years now he is still there (UK), my son is now 23. A 3rd year University student, and though l have done my level best to be there for him I see the anger, hate and loneliness.” She said.
“We used to talk but now he prefers to be out and thus l end up trying to correct him. He has tried drinking and smoking…he is still drinking behind my back. As I look back to my pain l blame the father. I want to be able to talk and understand what he is going thru. Sometimes will be very quite and if I ask he will just say l cannot tell you mum. I constantly blame the father.”